10. You change your name from Kenny to Pele

9. On tax return you list occupation: "Hooligan"

8. After you successfully toast an English muffin, you rip off your shirt and run around the house

7. Whenever the mailman shows up you scream, 'MAAAAAAAAIIIILLLLLLLLL!"

6. Have a tattoo of Czech striker Pavel Nedved on your ass

5. You replace your hairpiece with chunk of sod from Wembley Stadium

4. Aches, a rash and vomiting - - I'm sorry, those are signs you have Bird Flu

3. In accordance with league standards, you've inflated your pants to 8.5 pounds per square inch

2. Every four years, you walk around in a Brandi Chastain sports bra

1. You're not American