10. Instead of "Sir," commanding officers may be addressed as "Dude"

9. Foxholes will be even "Foxy-er"

8. Cumbersome kevlar helmet replaced with more comfortable panama hat

7. Soldiers receive furloughs to see Regis and Susan Lucci at Foxwoods Casino

6. Due to funding cuts, private first class reduced to private business class

5. No more annoying surprise visits from Bush

4. New feel-good drill sergeants demand, "Drop and give me one!"

3. Instead of dishonorable discharge, unruly soldiers receive embarrassing Kenny Rogers-style eye lift

2. New Standard haircut: "The Rachel"

1. For a limited time all enlistees get to kick Rumsfeld's ass