10. Oprah doesn't like me

9. Big stars can be lured onto the show for a "Survivor" tote bag

8. America loves catchphrases, like "In my pants"

7. Barbara Walters likes her "coffee" on the rocks with a twist

6. A president playing grabass in the White House -- that's a good 600 shows worth of material

5. Some things float, other things don't

4. You gotta keep it real, dog

3. If a guest drops out at the last minute, just show old clips from "Bonanza"

2. The secret to solid comedy? Crazy wigs

1. Don't believe Madonna when she says, "Things won't get weird after sex"