10. Rental car an ugly color? Run down the lot attendant!

9. Always pre-board your false eyelashes.

8. In Japan it is considered rude for a woman to claw an airport worker's face.

7. If blizzard threatens your plans, remind God "I'm Diana Ross!"

6. When frisked by security, scream, "The only person who touches me there is my plastic surgeon!"

5. Limit yourself to 5 costume changes per flight.

4. On hot-air balloon trip, fun to jettison waste on the "little people" below."

3. Gondolier: Rows slow, Gondolier with .357 pointed at head: Rows fast.

2. If security officer yells "Stop!" ignore him -- he's just singing one of your #1 songs.

1. At hotel, always request the "Psychotic Diva Suite."