10. In Western Conference finals, beat Dalai Lama-coached Sacramento Kings

9. When he rents a mid-size car at Avis, gets the "Zen Master discount"

8. Can contact the spirit of Red Auerbach using nothing more than a cell phone

7. Each night between midnight and 8am goes into trance-like state

6. With Bulls, won 6 NBA titles despite handicap of average players like Michael Jordan

5. Answered Zen riddle, "What's the sound of one hand clapping?" by showing clip of crowd at Clippers-Grizzlies game

4. Has toned and contoured upper leg muscles (sorry, that's a sign Phil Jackson uses a Thighmaster)

3. Often gets technical fouls for "excessive calm"

2. When showering, doesn't get clean, gets "Zenfully clean"

1. Promised to show several Laker Girls nirvana