10. Only got two phone votes last week, and one was a wrong number

9. Sang one note and your car's already loaded with parting gifts

8. The only other time you sang in public, you received a $50 fine

7. Amish sect forbids you to appear on camera or use any audio equipment

6. Russian mob strong-armed the French judge into voting against you

5. You look like a teenaged Henry Kissinger

4. While you sing, you chain-smoke Kools

3. The "studio" -- your basement. The "judges" -- your kitties.

2. Your ill-advised song, "I Love You, Osama"

1. The only words you can make out from screaming audience members are "microphone," "shove" and "ass"