10. It's so cold, Saddam Hussein has begun stockpiling weapons-grade tomato soup

9. It's so cold, Jennifer Lopez has been downgraded from "hot" to "lukewarm"

8. It's so cold, I had to defrost my mail

7. It's so cold, exotic dancers only removing the first few layers of clothing

6. It's so cold, people are coming into the Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up

5. It's so cold, Richard Simmons is wearing long pants

4. It's so cold, Hans Blix is off to search for chemical weapons in Cancun

3. It's so cold, people are flocking to "Live with Regis and Kelly!" for the artificial warmth

2. It's so cold, not only is Ted Williams frozen, but so is Barry Bonds

1. It's so cold, Michael Jackson is dangling himself in front of a fireplace