10. "Says the roaring you hear is just his new badass ringtone"

9. "Took out a second mortgage to keep up with the raw meat bills"

8. "In recycle bin, bundles of 'Amateur Zookeeper' magazine"

7. "His kids' science fair projects always involve gnawed gazelle skeletons"

6. "Says the deep gashes in his face are from shaving with the new Schick Quattro"

5. "Always coming back from Price Club with huge bag of 'Lion Chow'"

4. "Only family in town that bought State Farm's mauling insurance"

3. "Domino's always delivering large pizza with antelope topping"

2. "Neighborhood poodles disappearing at an alarming rate"

1. "First on his speed-dial: 'Siegfried'"