10. "Fluffy white beard is heavily soiled with chaw stains"

9. "Lectures each child on the wonders of Scientology"

8. "There's always two or three elves on defibrillator duty"

7. "Tries to snort the fake snow"

6. "The suit is more orange and reads 'Auburn Correctional Facility'"

5. "Every night he walks out with a sack full of Ipods"

4. "Instead of saying, 'ho, ho, ho,' keeps mumbling something about 'Jihad'"

3. "Tells every kid climbing on his lap, 'Careful of Santa's flask'"

2. "Because of earlier incident, can't go within 50 feet of Victoria's Secret salesgirl"

1. "Points out which kids he thinks will be gay"