10. "And here's a card for you, mom, since you look like a man"

9. "What better way to repay you for raising me than unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden?"

8. "Sorry, honey, the kids and I are moving to Namibia with Brad Pitt"

7. "The gift I'd most like to share is the joy of Scientology"

6. "Mom can't make dinner because one of the other pole dancers called in sick"

5. "Table for one?"

4. "I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find a 'World's Drunkest Dad' mug"

3. "I would have gotten you a gift but you spent all our money on gambling"

2. "I should really be giving something to the television, since it raised me"

1. "When I grow up I want to be just like you, minus the wrinkles, bad breath, and impotence"