10. Stars Johnny Depp's half-brother Kenny Depp

9. Most of the action takes place at a Long John Silver's in Harrisburg

8. It's two hours of Blackbeard and Redbeard checking each other for ticks

7. Only piracy is the illegal distribution of Boz Scaggs concert bootlegs

6. The lead pirate's catchphrase: "Arrrrrrt Garfunkel!"

5. The only pillaging is the six dollars the theater charges for popcorn, am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

4. The parrot keeps saying, "This movie sucks"

3. Pirates stumble around because they wear two eyepatches

2. In climax, ship gets blown out of water by defective North Korean missile

1. Hero is incapacitated after getting his swash caught in his buckle