10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays

9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless

8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider

7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a monkey

6. This year, on a special "60 Minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity

5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!

4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the way around (And ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Scott Carter)

3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself

2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass

1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!