10. Rats in the theater scrappier than usual

9. Everyone in your row is wearing handcuffs and a Riker's Island jumpsuit.

8. I just sit in my chair and rock back and forth without uttering a word.

7. First half-hour: I get a throat culture. Second half-hour: wait for results.

6. Instead of real comedy, we take the standby audience to "Miss Saigon."

5. Gallagher's a guest, and he forgot his watermelons.

4. You're forced to view more home videos of me on the Fourth of July after I gained a ton of weight.

3. By first commercial, I'm winky on bourbon.

2. Ghost of Ed Sullivan appears before you and says, "This one is gonna really, really blow."

1. Kathie Lee's out of stories about Cody.