10. Has named his two children "7" and "Eleven"

9. Constantly mooning his own security camera

8. Sleeps in back of store on a big pile of loose cheese doodles

7. Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cut-out of Kathy Ireland holding a six-pack of Bud

6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet he gives you service.

5. His freezer case is full of dead woodchucks.

4. Operates store two blocks from White House and doesn't sell fries

3. You catch him in front of the microwave with his pants down.

2. Cleans assault rifle while grumbling about "Those bastards over at Kwik Mart."

1. He keeps caning the burritos.