10. In course of life, will eat own weight in Slim Jims

9. Has had at least one sexual encounter with a Gabor sister

8. Can name more Ninja Turtles than Supreme Court justices

7. Can't stand them no good, stinkin' Swedes

6. Watches 14 hours of television a day, none of it CBS

5. Thinks Thomas Jefferson was "That funny black guy who was married to Weezie"

4. Has the mathematical abilities of a clydesdale

3. Has been rejected from the Simpson jury three times

2. Thinks that Ebert could beat the crap out of Siskel

1. Hates job. Hates spouse. Hates life. Loves Chee-tohs