10. Hillary Clinton bought cattle futures for everyone!

9. We're raising the temperature in this theater to 40 degrees!

8. Jack Nicholson just caned the Menendez Brothers with a nine iron!

7. We're moving the show to Fox!

6. See that guy sitting in the third row wearing the Chicago Bull T-shirt? Paul Shaffer will now toss him out!

5. You can have all your fancy foreigners, give me the good old USA!

4. Dumb guys have just crowned Dan Quayle as their king!

3. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Regis Philbin in a tank top!

2. Angela Lansbury is having my baby!

1. I'm drunk!