'Twas the night beforeChristmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a worldthat's politically correct?
His workers no longer wouldanswer to "Elves".
"VerticallyChallenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at thenorth pole
Were alleged by the unionto stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished,without much propriety,
Released to the wilds bythe Humane Society.
And equal employment hadmade it quite clear
That Santa had better notuse just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Cometand Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs,and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had beenremoved from his sleigh;
The ruts were termeddangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started tocall for the cops
When they heard sled noiseson their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from hispipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suitwas called "Unenlightened."
And to show you thestrangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing overunauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, infront of the nation,
Demanding millions inover-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeerwere gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'denough of this life,
Joined a self-help group,packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on hertitle was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why,he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice couldcause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothingof fur,
Which meant nothing forhim. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might beconstrued to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing toshoot.
Nothing that clamored ormade lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Orjust for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to begender specific.
Nothing that's warlike ornon-pacific.
No candy or sweets...theywere bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed toembellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while notyet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie,better off hidden.
For they raised the hacklesof those psychological
Who claimed the only goodgift was one ecological.
No baseball, nofootball...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sportsexposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to besexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot yourentire brain away.
So Santa just stood there,disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figureout what to do next.
He tried to be merry, triedto be gay,
But you've got to becareful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty,limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptablewas to be found.
Something special wasneeded, a gift that he might
Give to all withoutangering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy,with no indecision,
Each group of people, everyreligion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
So here is that gift, it'sprice beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peaceon Earth."