10. Only thing you read: takeout menus

9. You've had a garage door installed in your bedroom

8. Got cable just for the Food Network

7. You skip your son's wedding because you don't want to miss Blimpie's 2-for-1 sale

6. Red Cross changed your blood type from "O" to "Pancake batter"

5. Scientists won a Nobel Prize for measuring your gravitational field

4. Blinking leaves you winded

3. You buy ham by the square foot

2. Southwest Airlines makes you purchase 3 tickets

1. You start every day with a nice, steaming cup of gravy