10. Recently he seems less "bloodthirsty" and more "murderous"

9. Every time the doorbell rings, he yells, "Incoming!"

8. At dinner, can only finish half a gazelle

7. Ebert-sized sweat marks on his fatigues

6. Has had his mustache bulletproofed

5. Panicked after realizing he might not be around to see who wins on "The Bachelor"

4. Too fidgety to sit still for his monthly gigantic portrait

3. Canceled his "Victory Over The Great Satan" party

2. Has started making bad decisions, like betting on the Knicks

1. He's taking Zoloft along with his Cipro