10. Your stocking is ticking

9. Every kid gets a candy cane, you get a ball of rusty barbed wire

8. He brings you a new car -- right through the living room wall

7. His expression doesn't seem to be "jolly" so much as "seething and vengeful"

6. FBI bursts into your house saying, "We got a tip from Santa Claus you're hiding Mullah Omar"

5. You're being stalked by an elf hitman

4. You spend ten minutes telling him what you want -- he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

3. Only item he leaves: a note reading "Your wife was great"

2. "Gift" he just gave you -- 2 weeks on a Disney cruise with Trent Lott

1. His distinctive laugh: "Ho, ho, go screw yourself"