10. Race starts at 9, Lance rolls out of bed around noon

9. Has already figured out that the trophy can hold a 3-gallon margarita

8. He eats frosting by the fistful

7. For the last leg, he rode one of those crazy 1920s bikes with the big front wheel

6. Deliberately crashing into things to get more air time on sportscenter

5. Making a couple extra bucks delivering pizzas during the race

4. After the starter pistol is fired, he hangs around hitting on french babes

3. Turns to the other riders and says, "oooh, I'm sooooo scared"

2. Instead of training, spent last 2 months pimping his bike

1. Has started selling ad space on his ass