10. "It's too bad Snoop Dog didn't win for best 'Izzle'."

9. "Special thanks to CBS for letting us pre-empt...uh..whatever the hell it is they usually show at this time."

8. "Here to perform with Green Day, please welcome poisoned Ukranian President, Viktor Yushchenko."

7. "I didn't know the 'Z' in Jay-Z stood for 'Zellman'."

6. "They should give a Grammy to the artist whose CD is easiest to open."

5. "If James Mallison doesn't win classical producer of the year, this thing is fixed."

4. "Christina Aguilera's in her limo making Los Lonely Boys a little less lonely."

3. "I like Bjork's new album, but her last one seemed Bjorkier."

2. "Coming up next, an illegal downloader will be beaten to death by U2."

1. "What a surprise, Madonna's dressed like a slut."