10. Introduces his co-pilots Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels

9. Wings on his hat made of folded cocktail straws

8. In lieu of P.A. safety instructions, he sings "Kung Fu Fighting"

7. Long rambling announcements about what animal shapes he's seeing in the clouds

6. At security, passengers remove shoes---he removes pants

5. Giggling fit every time he says the word "cockpit"

4. Delays takeoff to de-ice his mojito

3. You experience heavy turbulence and you're only taxiing to the runway

2. Invites all passengers to a "layover" in his hotel room

1. Midflight asks, "Which one of you losers is the designated driver?"