18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.
1. I finished the Oreo's.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.
6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
10. Get your *own* ice cream.
11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.
12. Got milk?
13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?
14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!
17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...