10. I don't listen to a damn thing the guests say

9. Attention I.R.S. I haven't paid my taxes since 1973

8. The Ed Sullivan Theater is filled with deadly radon

7. To be honest, I kind of like that Celine Dion 'Titanic' song

6. I'm about to sell 'Hard Copy' a sex tape of me and Jerry Springer

5. My phone number is 212-975-6628

4. Sometimes I feel like there's an angry black woman inside of me trying to get out

3. I like to watch 'Melrose Place' in my underwear

2. Oprah was right -- if you eat beef, you'll die!

1. Paul Shaffer...I love you