10. As you board, a personal injury attorney hands you his business card

9. Didn't realize Carnival Cruise crew was actually carnival workers

8. During a light breeze, the captain issues order to abandon ship

7. Your "cabin" is a steel cargo container full of spare oil rig parts

6. No matter what you order from the bar, it tastes salty

5. The ship makes an unscheduled stop in Colombia to pick up "supplies"

4. It's day 3 and you're still docked

3. Every time you see the crew, they're wearing life preservers

2. Captain stares out at sea mumbling, "He's out there. I can feel it."

1. Nightly entertainment -- cockfights