10. Don't forget -- All winners tonight receive free lapdances from the cast of 'Showgirls'

9. If this goes well, I hear they'll offer Whoopi 'Cabin Boy 2'

8. How realistic is that? A movie about a postman and not a single gun in it?

7. I'd stay away from the British beef if I were you, Mr. Ebert

6. 'Dead Man Walking' -- Good title for Letterman's performance last year

5. Real hookers to the left, women playing hookers to the right, please!

4. Run for your life! It's Dean Martin!

3. That talking pig? Charlie Sheen tried to nail it

2. Best Director, Best Picture, Best Actress...Who cares? All Hollywood's really thinking about is what Dave's new set is gonna look like

1. Mira, Meryl -- Meryl, Mira