10. Instead of blood, his veins are filled with premium mayonnaise.

9. Suffers sore neck from staring up at Janet Reno.

8. Our Commander-in-Chief recently had his tounge pierced.

7. If you press head down hard enough, it picks up comics just like Silly Putty.

6. When he appears to be enjoying gum, he's actually chewing his cud.

5. Can hear potato chip bag being opened at 100 miles.

4. Looks tall on news, but is actually only 5'3".

3. Left half of brain dedicated entirely to remembering the phony telephone number Jenny McCarthy gave him.

2. Because of recent diet, has enough loose skin to make a lovely set of luggage.

1. Has a bad case of Urkel fever.