10. Keep Marv the hell out of the locker room.

9. Remove that silly "No choking your coach" rule.

8. Stop forcing us to live on an inhuman $12 million a year.

7. For the love of God, no more Shaquille O'Neal albums.

6. Acceptable to refer to any white player as "that white player."

5. Get post office to stop mixing up fan mail with NRA.

4. No Wednesday night games so players can watch "Dawson's Creek."

3. Typewritten memo explaining why the hell Utah's team is the "Jazz."

2. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi can no longer come to games--they're just too creepy.

1. Bigger balls.