10. "He'll Make Our National Defense As Impenetrable As His Hair."

9. "A New First Lady For Each Year Of His Candidacy."

8. "He'll Give This Country The Same Attention He Gives His Flimsy, Poorly-Constructed Apartment Buildings."

7. "Fewer $350 Hammers -- More 99-Cent Shrimp Cocktails."

6. "Trump/Oprah -- Still Less Embarrassing That Clinton/Gore."

5. "He'll Buy Iraq And Turn It Into A Highly Profitable Parking Lot."

4. "Friend Of The Working Man, And Even Better Friend Of The Working Girl."

3. "You've Placed Losing Bets At His Casinos -- Now Place A Losing Bet On His Candidacy."

2. "Finally A President Who Knows When To Get Out Of A Bad Marriage."

1. "Because He Really Needs To Boost His Self-Esteem."