10. Campaign bus adorned with catchy slogan "Greyhound"

9. Your staffers already refer to day after "Super Tuesday" as "Crushing Depression Wednesday."

8. Your name: Michael W. Dukakis

7. John Rocker won't shut up about how great you are.

6. You ask wife who she voted for; she says, "That's personal."

5. You own one suit, and it's starting to get ripe.

4. You've done the bulk of your campaigning in Mexico.

3. Only "celebrity" supporting you is guy who sort of looks like Roy Scheider.

2. When McCain mentions years in Vietnamese prison, you brag, "In junior high I was, like, always getting detention."

1. Voters refer to you as "The dork in the pirate outfit."