10. Hands you cigar and proudly says, "My cowboy hat's pregnant!"

9. Is seriously considering operation that will make him the fourth Judd

8. Earlier today, endorsed Dan Quayle

7. Just released a collection of love songs about James Brolin

6. Spends hours alone in bedroom "Ropin' the wind"

5. New album just 40 minutes of old answering machine messages

4. Speeds up all vocal tracks to "sound more like them adorable chipmunks"

3. Trashes hotel room -- cleans up and vacuums hotel room -- leaves himself generous housekeeping tip

2. Phones Kenny Rogers late at night and whispers "I'm holding them"

1. Has all his money on the Mets