10. He's actually gone on one of those lame Carnival cruises.

9. Keeps showing up for work in full "Cats" make-up

8. One minute you're having a civilized conversation and the next minute the old coot's on the floor doing push-ups.

7. Richard Simmons found smothered under a two-ton pile of Regis's workout videos

6. Went on honeymoon with Michael and Lisa Marie

5. Claims the CIA has been sending satellite beams into his pants

4. Last weekend spotted naked in Central Park with bottle of scotch screaming, "Where's Gelman?"

3. Constantly standing in front of moving cars (videotape of Regis hit by car)

2. Every couple years, just for fun, he switches Kathie Lee's birth control pills with Tic Tacs

1. Never changed his weird-ass name