10. Doesn't have to rest between saying each syllable in "Stolichnaya"

9. While still red, his nose no longer emitting sizzling noise

8. Opened last night as the new Norma Desmond in "Sunset Boulevard"

7. He's been taking the nurse's temperature, if you know what I mean

6. Has begun working out with that O.J. video

5. Just filmed a new infomercial for his "Yeltsinizer" exercise machine

4. Went to comedy club and beat the crap out of Yakov Smirnoff

3. Looks almost as good as the preserved body of Lenin

2. His ass no longer looks like a breakaway republic

1. Blood alcohol level back up to a healthy 53%