10. His pasty white thighs now have a dull red glow

9. He actually talked back to Hillary

8. The gravy in his veins rushes to his head

7. For a change, shots are being fired from the White House

6. He's using the F-word like he's Madonna

5. He can't even think about dating

4. Went to pet store, bought a newt, named it "Gingrich," barbecued it

3. He gives people on the White House tour the finger

2. When pizza was late, he beat delivery boy to death with a Yoo Hoo bottle

1. His '96 campaign slogan: "You can all bite me"