10. He keeps saying, "I can't believe it! Me...on a date!"

9. You go for a moonlit walk on the beach, and he's using a metal detector

8. The name inside the heart tattoo on his arm is his

7. He has Dr. Kevorkian on speed dial

6. The fur coat he gives you is made out of his own back hair

5. He keeps reminding you he was Danny Partridge

4. His last name is Fortensky

3. During dinner, he keeps using his toupee to wipe clam sauce off his chin

2. He keeps bitching about not being asked back to host the Academy Awards

1. He's so afraid of Hillary he never even stays the night