10. Vote for Dole, get one of his old kidney stones

9. As soon as he's president, he'll order bombing runs over Ross Perot

8. He'll guarantee funding for studies on how to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese even cheesier

7. He'll flood the state of Kentucky and turn it into a bitchin' water park

6. If you want to sleep with Claudia Schiffer, he'll make it happen

5. He'll give all press conferences without his teeth -- just for laughs!

4. First 100 Dole voters get a free "Grand Slam Breakfast" at the Russell, Kansas Denny's

3. He'll hold Gingrich's arms behind his back and offer every American a free punch

2. He'll build a bridge to the 21st century and then promptly fall off of it

1. Four years of the oldest, crankiest bastard in U.S. history