10. PGA's pointless insistence I complete all 18 holes before they fork over cash

9. Have to hire three maids for the trophy-polishing alone

8. Only "groupies" are doughy 60-year-old men

7. Always feel like a dork standing in bank line with 6-foot check

6. You show a woman your long iron and she says, "Nice putter"

5. Satan calls at all hours of the night to remind you of the agreement

4. When buying personalized license plate at Disneyland, closest you can get is "Timmy"

3. You play the best game of your life and it's on CBS

2. At press conference, not allowed to admit, "I kicked everyone's ass because I'm much, much better than they are"

1. How would you like to spend all weekend watching golf?