10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife

9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet

8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg

7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet

6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ass"

5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"

4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse

3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD

2. Turns his reindeer loose on you

1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof