10. You stopped watching wrestling because it's too complicated

9. The hot beverage warning on Starbucks cups mentions you by name

8. On census form you count yourself plus the guy in the mirror

7. You augment your income by photocopying quarters

6. As a special treat you take yourself to Jiffy Lube and you don't own a car

5. Fear of injury keeps you from using a comb

4. Just spent two hours trying to improve the reception on your microwave

3. According to you, this week Amercian King Fidel Castro got on a spaceship, went to the planet of Cuba and met with dictator Jimmy Connors

2. You're a Tampa Bay Devil Rays season-ticket holder

1. You choke on a pretzel