10. Tours with his good buddy Jerry Garcia

9. Hint: It involves a bowling ball and ten elves

8. Carnival cruise with Kathie Lee

7. Does "Fat Odd Couple" with Marlon Brando at Tahiti dinner theater

6. Stuffs Mrs. Claus' stockings, if you know what I mean

5. Cuts costs for next Christmas by exchanging his stockpile of guns for toys

4. Has Arkansas State Police rustle him up some babes

3. Eats Cheetos until his entire beard is orange

2. Two words: Strip joints

1. Jacuzzi full of egg nog