10. He puts his return address on the ransom note

9. Instead of tying you up with a rope, he decides to go with velcro

8. He's demanding $2 million in unmarked million dollar bills

7. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week"

6. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking you for a rematch

5. He's your Grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family room

4. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call

3. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies"

2. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to tell them

1. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets